she's got service road curves and highway eyes

this page is quite depressing, but it is nice to see that some things in the past are finally at rest.

i fucked up. big time. like, i went against everything that i have ever said or preached about relationships. it makes me sick to my stomach. i had myself conveinced. it looks like i need to get my life together.

my parents are now my mom and dad

dad doesn't really exist after 4pm

a person i care very deeply about may walk out

the bills are due and i have no money

____________________________________

all of this has to be taken care of with 20 credit hours under my belt. according to some OSU calculation i need to spend 80 hrs/wk on homework and studying if i want to earn a 4.0 with these 20 credits. haha. i have a full time job that i pay to work at. la la.

oh well, the future is bright and that keeps me going.

i want to list a few things i am thankful for in no particular order:

• the roof over my head
• my loving, caring, and supportive mother
• music
• the cold arizona that i am drinking
• the nice clothes that i am wearing
• the nike glasses i have to make me see clearly
• my unique red hair

that felt good. i love you.

i am writing this drunk

i am fed up with life. i've got a dead child coming, ready to steal my last chance at success, my last chance at freedom. i love a girl that i will never have, that i will never touch. my heart is filled with anger and bitterness. sometimes i wish something would happen to snap me back to my senses, to my former appreciation of life. i used to love life, i loved the fresh smell of dew in the morning, the brisk kiss of the chilly morning wind, the warmth of the sun beating down on my face. now i smell the mold of the dew, the deathly cold of the morning, and the untolerable ehat of the sun burning my skin.

why?
why?
why?
why? why was i given this psyche, i am so easily molded by the people around me. and the people around me do nothing but tear me down, or so it seems. i can't get close to anyone because of her, because of the curse that she has so happily blessed me with.

but you know what? it is almost over. the pain, the torture, the forced love, is almost over. thank god. i am sorry that this child had to die, but i feel that everything happens for a reason. i cannot give up my future for a cluster of cells. sorry, but that does not make any logical sense in my mind. yes, i would love to raise it if i could, but i can not raise it. ugh. it is terrible. i am sorry for what i have done to hurt any one that i have hurt.

i am so sorry, i wish i were a better person

Internships and Phonies

What an interesting weekend...

Last Tuesday a sign up sheet for a summer internship was floating around my Macroeconomics class. I threw my name and phone number on the sheet and thought nothing of it. I got a call on Wednesday evening from a gentleman named Brent from College Works Painting. He asked me a few questions over the phone and then invited me to a brief info session. I went to the session with Brent and two other potential interns. He slyly dismissed one of them halfway through the meeting. He liked both me and the other guy, so we set up a reverse interview for the next day. I went to my 3:30 meeting with Brent at Brenen's Cafe on High Street dressed in a J. Crew outfit. The meeting lasted about an hour and fifteen minutes and went pretty well. At the end of the meeting he said he would email me a list of former interns who I should talk to.

But I fucked up big time. I was supposed to have the list on Friday night. I didnt check my email Friday or Saturday. I eventually checked it a few hours ago and there was no email there. Fuck. I called him and got no answer. Fuck. Did I just blow a $10,000++ job because I was lazy for 36 hours? Probably. Fuck.

A psycho bitch named Kayla came over Friday and Saturday night. I came back from Our Party on friday to make a sandwhich and she was there with Nicole and two other dudes. She started talking about Svet and calling her ugly and what not. Me, having no idea who she was, told her to get out of the house. She eventually left after a bit of screaming. She came back over on Saturday all smiles and apologized to me. By the end of the night she had Jared cornered in my closet. Wtf. She eventually left with a busted lip. Jared also used Svet to piss her off. Svet won't get over Jared. Ugh. I'm done with this garbage.

P

I went home yesterday

I don't know how long I can last.

I don't know how long he will last.

Mmrl Dy Wknd

8/18 9/5

On September 5th I will have worked 18 days straight (8/18/08 - 9/5/08). My last day is September 10th. I'm going to miss everyone here - Sarah, Heater, Jessica, not Joe, Kelsey, Lauren, Deanna, Angie, Alaina, Brandi, Christy, Brian, Ed, Shannon, Mary and not Chris/Olivia.

WEBN is putting on their annual Labor Day Fireworks on Sunday. Lauren invited me to go see them with her! I think it will be a good time, she is a fun girl.

Yesterday Ryan and I took the IS to Columbus to see Cameron, meet our roommates, Jared and Luke, and check out our apartment, 100 E. 13th #B. It was a nice place, but needs some work (cabinet doors, carpet, holes in wall, etc.). We drew names for the rooms. I ended up with the biggest room in the house. The only drawback is that it is on the first floor with the kitchen and entertainment room. Jared got shafted with the smallest room. Jared and Luke seem to be pretty chill dudes.

Welp, back to work. I've put in 13 hours and 23 minutes as of the post.

P

Cockblocked

I was up all night last night after having a Waffle House meal at 3:30a.m. after getting off work. Beth wanted me to come over, I said no.

Me and the drunk dad picked up a rental car, a Ford Fusion, from Enterprise on 42. The insurance company is covering the cost.Its a grandma's car, tan on tan on tan. Tan every where.

Went to Kenwood Mall with Amy. I got a pair of shorts and a shirt from American Eagle, $64. We went to McAlister's and ate dinner. She dropped me off at the car. I was going to make that almighty, super awkward yet really fun first move and Gabe calls. Tight. Cockblocked. I dipped out fast. I planned on going straight to work but I forgot the key for a second night in a row. LOL oops. Went home, dad was still drunk, got key, and left. I need to increase my income and earn more money. Power washing service? Need a pressure washer and a car to haul it in. Grassroots food catering to small businesses? Hmm... Both could work. I need motivation. Nothing is really 'worth it' right now according to my mind. Need sleep.

Be easy.

Trying to Make this a Habbit. Dessert on the Side!

And its not working.

Woke up at 1:30ish p.m. with a lot of missed calls from mom. Phone rang again. She had been in an accident (71 N to 275 W). She was fine. Rear passenger door, rear passenger quarter panel, and rear pass tire will need replacing/fixing. I'm glad she is o.k., though a bit shaken up. The IS300 will recover

Yesterday I changed the coolant, oil, and rear differtial fluid on the Lexus.

Me and Amy don't seem to be going any where. Hopefully that changes, I really, really like her. I miss the touch of a woman, its been too long. Beth keeps tempting me, I keep saying no.

Work sucks, but the pay is awesome. Need another job, maybe Skyline down the road (save gas!@#!).

Dad is still drinking, he isn't going to live to see his grand kids. Depressing.

Need to sell Talon. Once its sold should I buy a car outright, buy a car+bike, finance a car? Who knows, hopefully it works out. I'd love a 350z or an E36 M3. Yum.

Gotta quit smoking, but I can't. I love it.

Later